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Steven Seagal’s Humorous, Comical Quotes Taken From His Movies

Steven Seagal's Funniest Quotes From His Films

Steven Seagal films are usually about Tarantino-level action, extreme violence and a healthy dose of humor. a martial arts star, his work has been praised by action fans who consider him one of the genre’s most iconic faces. The actor has had plenty of opportunities to deliver a few hilarious one-liners over the years, and this list represents the best ones that demonstrate why Seagal is gaining interest in the action movie community.

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“I Missed! I Never Miss!” (Hard To Kill)

Mason Storm for destroying his family, in this 1990 classic, he takes no hits. In a brutal and gruesome manner, including driving a pool cue through one man’s neck, he eventually finds the ringleader, Senator Vernon Trent. Storm tortures Trent for a long time before deciding whether to actually kill him or bring him to justice. Trent attacks Storm with a poker, but is defeated. This is all done to scare Trent and Storm continues this quote before kicking him right in the groin.

“Tell You What. I’ll Carry Everything. You Kill Whoever We Run Into, All Right?” (Under Siege)

When a group of terrorists take over a nuclear-armed battleship, Seagal’s character Casey Ryback must step out of his kitchen and set things right. The film opens with Ryback making a young stripper named Jordan his assistant as they fight to survive. When Jordan starts to complain about her plight, Ryback says this quote to give her a better context.

“Well, Let’s See, That’s Natives 8, Oil Workers 0. Anyone Else Wanna’ Play With Cupcake?” (On Deadly Ground)

Seagal’s character Forrest Taft visits a bar where a group of oil bandits are bullying a Native American. Forrest Taft intervenes, but ringleader Mike warns him to stay out of it, even going very far. Taft steps into them without hesitation and knocks the pitch out of eight oilmen before delivering this quote. He then confronts and challenges Big Mike and ends up changing the latter’s outlook on life and how he fits into it.

“Nobody Beats Me In The Kitchen.” (Under Siege 2)

Under Siege 2 changed the setting from a battleship to a commuter train with a former Navy SEAL trying to stop a group of terrorists from using sophisticated satellite weapons to cause horrific destruction. He kills all the people of the main antagonist Travis Dane before facing his main attacker Marcus Penn, a skilled assassin. The fight begins in the train compartment before they both fall into the kitchen below. There, Ryback beats Penn until he bleeds, before snapping his neck, and then uttering the line.

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“I’d Like To Make Something Very Clear. I Don’t Have Rage. I’m A Happy Guy. You See This Face? This Is A Happy Face. You All Would Be Lucky To Be As Happy As I Am!” (Exit Wounds)

“Exit Wounds,” a scene where Steven Seagal played Orin Boyd, a disillusioned cop who is ordered to take Nicholson-level anger management courses or risk being demoted. His first class doesn’t go so well when Orin gets stuck in a kid’s school desk and is forced to rip it apart in annoyance. The female instructor in charge of the anger management class is unimpressed by his behavior, prompting a fed up Boyd to counter this quote to her.

“I’ll Have 300 Agents Come Up Here, Into This Little Hick Town, And Crawl Up Every Orifice You Got. When It’s Over, You Can Go To Your Favorite Proctologist And Get A Nice Soothing Ointment, And Rub It On The Hole That Hurts Most!” (Fire Down Below)

Seagal played environmental agent Jack Taggart in this 1997 film starring Kris Kristofferson as Orin, a wealthy industrialist who dumps toxic waste into the local community’s coal mines. Taggart starts pushing away Orin’s men, which draws a target right on his back. The local police try to convince Taggart to leave town under threat of breaking the law, but Taggart baffles the Chief over this quote, which causes him and his men to leave.

“If I Find Out You’re Lying, I’ll Come Back And Kill You In Your Own Kitchen!” (Above The Law)

“Above the Law”, the very first film of the actor. After being attacked and beaten by a group of thugs in the middle of the street, the latter flees while chasing Niko. He eventually catches up to him and interrogates him right in the middle of the street after the criminal begs for his life. Half-satisfied with the answers he received, Niko replies with this quote before leaving. The threat is enough to make the perpetrator confess even more.

“Anybody Seen Richie? Anybody Know Why Richie Did Bobby Lupo?” (Out For Justice)

In For Justice, Seagal plays Gino Felino, a police officer with close ties to the underworld, including the local Italian mafia. After psychiatrist Richie Madano kills his fellow detective and best friend, Gino starts a one-on-one war to make him pay. He visits a bar where he interrogates the local scum, which inevitably leads to a violent fight between Gino and several thugs. All the while, Gino keeps saying that quote.

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“One Thought He Was Invincible, The Other Thought He Could Fly. They Were Both Wrong.” (Marked For Death)

In Marked for Death, Segal plays John Hatcher, a DEA agent when he returns home to find his neighborhood has been taken over by a Jamaican drug cartel. He runs into the gang, which results in retribution from their leader, Wintface. Hatcher confronts two cartel members in a hotel room and he kills the first before arresting the other. Realizing that the prank could inflict a gruesome death on him if he spoke, the gang member is thrown out of the hotel window. Hatcher returns to his friend Max, and when Max asks him what happened, Hatcher answers him with this quote.
Narek Hakobyan

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Tags: ABOVE THE LAW (1988)Exit Wounds (2001)funniesthard to killOn Deadly Ground (1994)OUT FOR JUSTICE (1991)seagal#Steven SeagalSteven seagal moviesSteven Seagal's Funniest Quotes From His FilmsSteven Seagal's HumorousUNDER SIEGE (1992)
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